


it's sad but true (how much i miss you)

by priorwalter



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Long-Distance Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Matt and Dan are basically Neil's parents, Matt and Seth and Neil are bros, Minor Matt/Dan, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-01-31 12:49:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21446479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/priorwalter/pseuds/priorwalter
Summary: “Are you supposed to miss someone you talk to every day?” Neil asks, voice slightly strained.Matt knows that Neil has a skewed view of the world, and his experience with emotion and empathy is abnormal because of the horrors in his past. Matt knows this, he has known this for a very long time, but it still breaks his heart that Neil feels so confused and afraid at something as wonderful as caring for someone. “You can miss whoever you want,” Seth says. “There’s nosupposed toorshouldabout it.”Neil frowns. “I’ve never—” he cuts himself off, considering his words more carefully. “I don’t know how to feel like this. I miss him so much.”**Neil has a new friend, and Matt can see the hole in his chest from miles away.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 19
Kudos: 536





	it's sad but true (how much i miss you)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is partly inspired by Red, White, & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. It's mostly inspired, though, by my real life best friend who lives fourteen hours away from me by car, seventy nine hours by bike, and three hundred and six hours by foot. Kevin, you will recognize a lot of us in this fic. I'm sorry for plagiarizing our friendship. I hope you enjoy, Kev, and I guess everyone else too. Also, shoutout to Asas for being my eternal cheerleader. Title from Cecily Smith from Fly By Night, specifically the Will Connolly version because it’s better.

Matt Boyd can proudly say that he is Neil Josten’s best friend in the world. This title is not especially difficult to claim, seeing as Neil Josten has five total friends. Neil has also confessed that Matt was his first friend, which is understandable, considering his vaguely-described but no doubt horrific childhood. 

Neil’s friends are as follows: Matt, Matt and Neil’s other roommate/teammate Seth Gordon, Matt’s girlfriend Dan Wilds, Seth’s ex-girlfriend Allison Reynolds, and Kevin Day. Neil is two years younger than Matt and Kevin and three years younger than everyone else, but none of them seem to mind. Neil has been adopted as their pseudo-child. (Neil insists he’s not that much younger than the others, but his miniscule height and social naïveté say otherwise.)

It is for these reasons that Matt finds it so strange to find Neil on the phone when he comes back from the library late one dreary Thursday night. 

It’s not unusual for Neil to be on the phone. His phone is ancient and crumbling, so calls are much easier than texting. He talks on the phone with his uncle, the man who raised him from the age of twelve onward, very often. However, he never hangs up on his uncle and hightails it out of the room with a blush on his cheeks the minute Matt opens the door. 

Something strange is afoot. 

He calls Dan immediately to discuss the strange circumstances. He feels confident Neil won’t be back for a while; he operates during strange hours of the night.

She answers the phone with a put-upon sigh. “Do you know what time it is, babe?”

Matt makes a wounded noise. “You insult me. It’s about Neil.”

There’s a sound like blankets rustling, and Dan’s voice is serious when she replies, “Is he okay? What’s wrong?” 

“He was on the phone when I got home,” Matt says conspiratorially. 

Dan scoffs. “Fuck off, dude, you woke me up for this?” 

“He was on the phone, and as soon as I opened the door to our room, he hung up and ran. He was blushing,” Matt explains. “Which he never does, especially if he’s on the phone with Stuart. And Seth was home and I doubt he would be calling Allison.”

Dan hums. “Allison was with me all night. Also, why didn’t you bother Seth with this?” Her sharp words are contradicted by her voice, tinged with curiosity and parental pride at the thought of Neil talking to someone new. 

“Seth has the entire TV room on lockdown studying for his Econ midterm. There are too many empty Redbulls in his vicinity for him to be tolerable,” Matt explains. “Besides, I know you’re curious and I don’t know how long we have until Neil gets back.” 

Dan sighs. “I guess. Who do you think it could be, then?” 

“Neil joined Renee’s discord a few weeks ago,” Matt says, referring to Matt’s friend Renee who lives in Germany. They met because they are both fans of the same book series, All For The Game, a suspenseful trilogy about a girls’ college ice hockey team. Matt got Neil into the series recently, and he dove into the Tumblr fandom with a surprising fervor. (Well, it wasn’t that surprising, considering how much Neil loves the sport that the books are based around. He and Matt are on their school’s intramural team.) “Maybe it’s someone from there?” 

“I don’t know. You know how he gets,” Dan replies, referring to how Neil argues with everyone who insults his favourite character, a churlish goalkeeper with a violent streak.

“Maybe someone finds his rants as endearing as we do, you never know.” Matt hears someone moving outside. He cracks open the door to see if Neil has come home early, but it’s just Seth looking for something under a small mound of empty cans. “Anyway, he’s a likeable guy! I’m sure it’s fine. He’s probably just made a new friend.” Matt ignores the spike of jealousy he feels. 

“A friend he talks on the phone with? That means he actually gave his phone number to someone,” Dan says slowly. It took three months for Neil to give Matt and Dan his number because of his constant paralyzing paranoia. Matt is convinced that the only reason Neil permits them knowing his home address is because Matt lives with him. 

“So this has been going on for a while,” Matt concludes. “And I didn’t notice? I’m a terrible friend.” 

“You’re a good friend. He’s just secretive. He’ll open up to us when he’s ready,” Dan assures him, voice soothing. “Go to sleep, babe.” 

“Okay, you’re right. Night, Dan, love you.”

“Night, Matt, love you too.” 

Matt hopes she’s right.

**

It doesn’t happen again for almost three weeks. Matt nearly forgets about it. 

Nearly.

He and Seth come home from the gym one morning to find Neil puttering around the kitchen. Matt hears, “You’re not even here to eat the final product, asshole—” before he switches smoothly to German before seemingly saying goodbye and hanging up. Matt and Seth stand frozen by the sofa, staring at one another while Neil steadfastly ignores them. 

“So, kid,” Seth ventures, “who was that?” 

“No one,” Neil replies, busying himself with whatever it is he’s making. From the ingredients, Matt assumes he’s baking. When has Neil been known to bake? Or cook anything more complicated than ramen? 

“It was clearly someone,” Seth argues. “What are you making, at least?”

Neil does not stop measuring out his vanilla extract, but his movements become more stilted as Matt and Seth irritate him more and more. “Bienenstich,” he replies. 

“Which is?”

“It means bee sting cake,” Neil explains, and Matt thinks that he spots a small smile on Neil’s face before he turns around to hide it. “It’s German.”

“So is your friend German?” Matt asks. He finally crosses the threshold of the kitchen, drawn in by the pleasant smell.  
  


Neil spins around to face them and glares. A little bit of flour flies off of him. “No. What friend? Go away.” 

“Smooth,” Seth mutters. “I’m going to lunch with Allison. Have fun with your bee cake.” 

Matt sidles up by Neil, who unsubtly moves away. “You know you can trust me with anything, right?” He says. “If you, completely hypothetically, did make a new friend who is German and likes bee cake, I wouldn’t want you to feel the need to hide that from me.” 

Neil doesn’t turn around, but he pauses making his Bienenstich and replies sharply, “Hypothetically, it’s none of your damn business.” He resumes his progress like nothing happened, and Matt retreats into the bedroom. 

Later that night, when Neil is off doing whatever it is that Neil does at odd hours of the night, Matt FaceTimes Dan. She answers almost immediately, and seeing her drooping eyelids puts a smile on his face. Dan bites back a grin at Matt’s reaction and asks, “What has Neil done now?”

Matt frowns. “What makes you think Neil did something?” Neil did do something, but Matt resents the assumption that he did something _ wrong. _

“Why else would you call me at this hour looking like that?”

Matt bristles. “Like what?”

“Worried,” Dan replies with a slightly fond, slightly irritated sigh. “Was he on the phone again?” This is said with an amused lilt in her voice. Matt wants to kiss her. Allison is probably asleep by now anyway. 

“He was on the phone, but as soon as he noticed Seth and me he started talking in German and then hung up. Do you think he’s involved with the mob? No, he already was, nevermind. But the weirdest part is that he was making like, German cake. You know how well he cooks. Well, cooking is a bit of an exaggeration.” Matt pauses to catch his breath, and Dan rolls her eyes. 

“Maybe his friend is German and was giving him the recipe,” Dan reasons. “Did the cake turn out okay?”

“Yeah, it was weirdly good,” Matt replies. He wonders if Neil would mind if he took another piece without asking. “I told him that he didn’t have to hide anything from me, but he snapped at me. I don’t know what else to do. I want him to feel safe around us, you know?”

Dan stares into space, lost in thought. “I think we just need to give him space. If we keep asking him about it, he won’t want to talk.” At Matt’s frown, she nods in agreement. “I want to know too. Maybe this is just how he is, he’s never had any friends we didn’t know before.” 

“You’re right,” Matt relents, sighing. “I hope he doesn’t feel like I’m being invasive. He’s just been acting weird lately, have you noticed? He’s cagier than usual.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m sure he just needs time.”

“I hope so.” 

**

**aftg discord!!**

**#general **

**Jeremy♡ (he/him) | knoxout**

I’m trying to draw but I can’t!!!!!!!! Goalie helmets are just so gd complicated

**jean (jean-val-jean)**

you don’t have to force yourself if you can’t do it. it should be fun

**Jeremy♡ (he/him) | knoxout**

Yeah I know but I want to. It’s for someone’s birthday so I have a deadline

**Renee | she/her | joanofhockey**

I can DM you pictures of my helmet for reference if you’d like, Jeremy?

**Jeremy♡ (he/him) | knoxout**

Oh my lord you are an angel. Yes please!!

**Matty (claraweststan)**

Omg Renee I always forget you actually play hockey. Like me too but you’re so nice and not violent

**laila (ameliaisabamf)**

oh god me too i cant imagine renee shoving ppl into the boards at mach speed 

**Renee | she/her | joanofhockey**

Goalies don’t do any shoving, don’t worry. I’m only the sub anyway, **@Andrew | ameliashepherd** is our team’s main goalie. Statistically, he’s the best goalie in our entire league!

**Matty (claraweststan)**

Andrew Ameliashepherd plays?? Sport????? Well?????? 

**Andrew | ameliashepherd**

What’s hockey?

**laila (ameliaisabamf)**

holy shit dude how do you have the time. top grades of your fucking year highest rated goalie in your league (wherever that is yall mysterious motherfuckers) and you produce like 6 million drawings per hour? 

**Andrew | ameliashepherd**

What, like it’s hard?

Also, Renee, this is why I never tell you anything.

**Matty (claraweststan)**

Dude WHAT how are you ALIVE can I have your AUTOGRAPH

**Andrew | ameliashepherd**

……Anyway

**laila (ameliaisabamf)**

subtle

**Matty (claraweststan)**

:((( Everyone’s ignoring me lately I haven’t seen Neil in days 

**jean (jean-val-jean)**

don’t you live together? 

**laila (ameliaisabamf)**

i thought u 2 lived together

haha nice jean

**Matty (claraweststan)**

Neil is like a cryptid you don’t see him unless he wants you to see him and he mysteriously doesn’t appear in photos

I heard him getting ready this morning but nothing since then. Neil if you’re reading this please come home we miss you 

Has anyone spoken to him?

**jean (jean-val-jean)**

maybe he is mad at you. you are quite annoying 

**Jeremy♡ (he/him) | knoxout**

Babe!! Stop bullying Matt or else

And no Matt sorry I haven’t talked to him. Radio silence on his tumblr too but that’s not uncommon

**jean (jean-val-jean)**

sigh. 

i suppose you are sometimes not annoying matthew

i hope neil returns from the war 

**Andrew | ameliashepherd**

Maybe he justs wants space. Your general demeanor screams clingy and parental.

**Renee | she/her | joanofhockey**

Follow the server’s rules, Andrew. Matt, I’m sorry he’s avoiding you. 

Neil, if you ever come back and read these messages, we are all very sorry for talking about you!

**Jeremy♡ (he/him) | knoxout**

Oh I forgot Neil could just scroll up and read this. Sorry buddy hope you’re doing ok in your hidey hole

**Andrew | ameliashepherd**

It seems to me like he doesn’t want to talk to you. Leave him alone.  
Anyway. Good night. 

**Jeremy♡ (he/him) | knoxout**

It’s 4pm??????

**jean (jean-val-jean)**

time zones omg…...

does this make me morosexual

**laila (ameliaisabamf)**

yeah and its terminal. sorry jer

**jean (jean-val-jean)**

not sorry jean???

**laila (ameliaisabamf)**

that would imply i care if you live or die

**Jeremy♡ (he/him) | knoxout**

Omg Laila hush.

Good night Andrew!!!

**Matty (claraweststan)**

Honestly Andrew you’re right but stop bullying me! I’m telling my gf on you and she’s scary

**Neil | he/him**

No she’s not 

Wait fuck 

**Matty (claraweststan)**

**@Neil | he/him **Come back online right now!!!!!!!!!!!

**Jeremy♡ (he/him) | knoxout**

Omg. 

**

“Hello, Neil. Neilington. Neilerson, Neilthony, Neilthew,” Matt greets his friend the moment he flops onto the sofa, appearing in the dorm for the first time in four days.

Neil buries his face in the cushion. “Hi.”

“We haven’t seen you in a few days,” Seth says, shifting Neil’s legs out of the way and sitting beside him. “What’s up, bud?” 

“You’re not my dads,” Neil snaps. “Stop interrogating me.”

Something is clearly bothering him, because Neil is a perfect liar. Matt and Seth would not know anything was wrong unless even Neil couldn’t hide it. 

“You can’t disappear for ages and expect us not to question it,” Matt points out. He leans forward in the armchair he sits in, trying to read Neil’s body language despite his position face down on the couch. “Is something going on? Are you okay?”

Neil pushes his face farther into the sofa. Matt wonders if he can breathe. “I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong.” 

Seth pats Neil’s legs sympathetically. “We can very clearly see that that’s a lie, dude.” Neil doesn’t reply, but Matt doesn’t push him further, no matter how much he wants to. After a few minutes of tense silence, Seth asks, “Can you make more of that bee cake? It was rad as fuck.”

Neil rolls over and says, “Bienenstich. But yes, if you both agree to leave me alone.”

“Nope, no bee cake for us,” Matt interrupts. “You can’t bribe us to avoid talking about your feelings.”

“I’m moving out, goodbye,” Neil says. He starts to get up, but Seth loops an arm around his waist. It is loose enough that Neil could easily escape, but he gives up and collapses onto Seth. Seth lays Neil’s head in his lap and cards his fingers through his friend’s hair. 

“Come on, Neil? We’re here for you,” Matt presses. “You can watch the Knights game after, and we won’t get mad at you for talking through the whole thing. It can be a bros night.” 

Neil inhales and exhales a few times, each breath careful and measured, before saying, “I think that I miss someone.”

This strikes Matt as an odd thing to say, before all of his previous knowledge of Neil Josten catches up with him. “Is that a bad thing?” 

“Are you supposed to miss someone you talk to every day?” Neil asks, voice slightly strained. 

Matt knows that Neil has a skewed view of the world, and his experience with emotion and empathy is abnormal because of the horrors in his past. Matt knows this, he has known this for a very long time, but it still breaks his heart that Neil feels so confused and afraid at something as wonderful as caring for someone. “You can miss whoever you want,” Seth says. “There’s no _ supposed to _ or _ should _about it.”

Neil frowns. “I’ve never—” he cuts himself off, considering his words more carefully. “I don’t know how to feel like this. I miss him so much.” 

Matt wants to envelop his friend in a hug and never let him go. “Is he the German one? Is that why you miss him so much?”

  
Neil nods, a pathetically sad look on his face. “He lives in Berlin. More than seven thousand kilometres away, did you know that?”  
  


Seth pats Neil’s cheek. Matt says, “You don’t have to run every time we catch you on the phone with him, bud.” 

“I don’t like you hearing,” Neil snaps, sitting up. “It’s personal.”

Seth sighs and pulls Neil back against his side so he can play with Neil’s hair. “I don’t give a shit what you talk about with this dude. We just want you to feel comfortable talking to him around us. Talk German or go in another room or communicate psychically. I don’t care.” 

“Okay,” Neil whispers. He stares at a point on the wall just above Matt’s head. “Okay.” 

“You can talk about him, if you want,” Matt offers. “Not now, necessarily. Just whenever.” 

Neil pushes away from Seth. His face smooths over, and Matt assumes he’s done talking. “I’m making Bienenstich now, and you guys don’t get any. I’m going to call Andrew because it’s his recipe, and if you’re weird about it, I’ll kill you.” 

“Andrew?” Matt demands. “Andrew from discord? Andrew from Tumblr with the canon URL?” 

Neil doesn’t reply. He only walks away and takes out his phone. He dials someone who answers almost immediately, and their guttural German is weirdly comforting. 

**

Andrew becomes a semi-permanent fixture in the Matt-Neil-Seth dorm. Andrew’s insomnia allows for near-daily calls with Neil. Matt thinks he should feel jealous now that his mantle as Neil Josten’s BFF has been stolen, but mostly he feels happy that Neil is happy.

It’s not hard to see how much Neil misses Andrew, though. Every time he hangs up, he hides in his bed for a while, overcome by some dark and cynical mood no one can find a way to remedy. He has days where he’s glued to his phone and days where he ignores everyone but Andrew. A dark cloud hangs over him; anyone can see it. The hole in his chest is visible from miles away. 

In late November, Neil announces to Matt, Allison, Dan, Seth, and Kevin, “I’m not going to be here for Christmas break.”

Matt freezes. Last year, the six of them had Christmas together at Matt’s mom’s place; even Kevin’s dad who happened to be their hockey coach tagged along. (It wasn’t as weird as it should have been; Matt and Kevin were the only ones with parents who were either alive or tolerable people, so it made sense.) 

“Where else would you go?” Allison asks, only a little rudely. 

Neil glares. “I’m going to Germany to see Andrew. I’m leaving after exams and I’ll be back by the day after Christmas.”

Dan frowns. “That means you’ll be leaving,” she checks her phone, “in a week and a half.”

“And you didn’t think to tell us before?” Seth asks.

“It didn’t seem important,” Neil grouses. “Leave me alone.”

“Didn’t seem important? You’re leaving for almost three weeks, buddy,” Allison points out. 

Neil shrugs. “And?”

Matt sighs and wraps Neil in a one-armed hug. “We know you’re excited to see Andrew, but we’re going to miss you.” 

Neil leans his head on Matt’s shoulder. “I guess I’ll miss you too. Sorry about ruining Christmas plans.”

“Nothing to be sorry about, man,” Seth assures him. “Have fun with your boy.” 

Neil frowns. “Okay?” 

Matt’s going to miss him, but he hopes Germany will fill in a bit of the hole in Neil’s soul. 

**

**aftg discord!!**

**#general**

**Matty (claraweststan)**

Guys…. Neil and Andrew…. Are meeting irl 

**Jeremy♡ (he/him) | knoxout**

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!

HWHAAAA

**laila (ameliaisabamf)**

gay ass motherfuckers. whos going where

**Matty (claraweststan)**

I think Andrew is still hiding where he lives to y’all but Neil is flying to him for like most of Christmas break 

**jean (jean-val-jean)**

only me and jeremy are allowed to meet in real life stay home neil

**Neil | he/him**

Fuck off Jean

**Jeremy♡ (he/him) | knoxout**

Congrats guys!!!!!

**Neil | he/him**

Thanks Jeremy

**Andrew | ameliashepherd**

Fuck off, Matt.

**Renee | she/her | joanofhockey**

Congratulations, I’m excited to meet you, Neil!

**laila (ameliaisabamf)**

omg so me jean and jer have met, matt and neil have met obvi and renee and andrew too, neil and andrew are going to meet….

all thats left is the Squad Meetup

**Jeremy♡ (he/him) | knoxout**

You’re right!! One day we will!!!!

**jean (jean-val-jean)**

can’t believe neil and andrew are meeting……. since when are they even friends

**Matty (claraweststan)**

Since ages ago dude

Like this is not news

Neil doesn’t shut up about him

**Neil | he/him**

Hey

**

Neil video calls Matt from Andrew’s computer on Christmas Eve with a blush high on his cheeks. If it were anyone else, Matt would assume it was due to alcohol, but it’s Neil, which means it must be Something Else, capital S, capital E. 

Andrew settles down beside Neil and presses against his side. Neil leans into him, and Matt thinks, _ oh. _

**Author's Note:**

> The names in brackets in the discord names are just made-up tumblr urls for the fake aftg series I also made up.
> 
> I'm at carterchilcott.tumblr.com. Comment, kudos, etc.


End file.
